Here we are, another birthday for me. This one was certainly a more introspective one than previous years for a few reasons.
For starters, the way the past year has been for the world has obviously been a rather unique situation — never before have those of us alive today faced an event quite like the Covid-19 Pandemic, and a year in it’s really taking its toll on many people, including me. That’s not to say it’s really gotten to me — I thrive in such situations as lockdowns, but the constant fear and concern wears on even the strongest of people.
I think back to my birthday last year. We knew of the virus then, and it had shown up in the United States but it hadn’t become a big deal yet. Of course in hindsight we should have taken it seriously even before then but with all the previous “killer virus” scares we’ve had in just the 21st century alone, most of them going nowhere, well, it was kind of like the story of the boy who cried wolf.
Then came late February and early March and things started to get very serious. This coincided with some, for lack of a nice way to phrase it, complete bullshit in my own life which thankfully resolved itself, but not without happening at the exact same time as the lockdowns and the panic about Covid-19 began here — recall the TP hoarding and the like…
A year on end it still feels like there is no end to this, mostly due to people still not taking this shit seriously… but, I digress — that’s another article for another time. What I’m getting at is that this has been another year of life that’s been far more wild than normal and it’s given me a bit of perspective that I was surprised to find in all this.
Personal growth, etc…. I’m sure you can relate — I think everyone can after this.
The second factor that makes this birthday unique is the number it is — I turned 36 today. That means I’ve been an adult for 18 years — just as long as I was a “kid.” It just feels weird to think about — “midpoints” like that always do, like how the Berlin Wall has been demolished for longer than it existed; the scale of time distorts the older you get, with things in your youth feeling like they took way longer than the same time span feels as an adult.
Still, I look in the mirror and see time taking its toll. I certainly don’t look like I did when I was in high school (who does by the time they are in their mid-thirties) but I still certainly recognize myself as, well, me. I don’t feel any different as a person than I have over the past 10 or 15 years or so, but then I see records of the past and wonder what the fuck I was thinking. It’s funny, you think you’d only reflect back to yourself as a kid and feel embarrassed or otherwise dislike something about then but no, I can look at my 20’s and still ask myself “what the fuck were you thinking?”
At this point, of course, I’ve learned the things about me that will never change — I’m a persnickety old bastard, extremely picky in my interests but curious about damn near everything. I love to care but hate to be put in any situation where I could be used or manipulated. I’m open minded but skeptical. I’m a person who generally believes in order and standardization — things have names for reasons, language exists to be an accurate way to convey thoughts, and in the end there is a valid logic to everything which must be considered when making choices in life, from the largest to smallest things.
That’s me. That’s the human condition as it applies to me, in one sense.
I think back to all the years, smile at the good things, question the bad things but in the end just keep on going, trying to love the people and things I do, and avoid bullshit where possible.
Of course, on the internet that’s impossible — everyone is screaming thoughts into the digital void and the most vocal people are also the ones who don’t like to be challenged by anything. Ever. Much like children, but in many cases these are people of equal or, sometimes, more advanced age. It’s kind of incredible to see it happen, but it does time and time again. Such is the nature of the internet and, to a greater extent, humanity on a whole.
It’s just the way things are. Some people want order, some want chaos, many seem to think might makes right, while others know better. Some are open about their thoughts and others hide them. Some create and share with the world, others only share with a close few. We’re all complex, and as time passes we just become more and more unique. At least, I think we do. It’s human nature to grow and change, but somehow still always be the same person you were 10, 20, 30 years ago.
Well, this one got deep. Deeper than many other birthday posts I’ve made have. This is what happens when you’ve had the kind of year we’ve all had, I guess.
Take care out there.
